I woke up this morning angry. I took the kids to school and on my way home, I was in tears questioning everything. How is it that life has flipped so quickly, to where I was asking God why? Why is it this time in my life has come to a point where I was left questioning everything around me?
I came home and the anger was all consuming. I asked my husband why is God allowing these things to happen to us? In which he responded, there is always a reason. A reason I wanted now. In that moment I wanted answers to the turmoil rolling inside my mind. I felt the need after months of staying positive, after months of knowing that the devil was working hard against us, after months of crying, sleepless nights, and struggle. I felt I deserved to know “The Reasoning” behind the act that had felt the need to bring so much turmoil within my household.
Then I felt the guilt. Guilt for something I had no control over. Because the months leading up to this moment, had left me questioning God. What right do I have to do so? Why is it I bare the World upon my shoulders? Why is it I feel the need, even in my own struggles to hold others up? Adding so much weight that I feel as if at any moment I will collapse?
I am that person, who even through her own storms will pack on the chaos of others until I am crawling in order to help someone else in need. I am the person who allows so much burden to consume my existence that I am forced to fall. Emotions that I carry are often times not my burden to carry at all. And in doing so I am left crippled with grief.
I never want anyone to think I am not there for them. Sometimes that ends up being by kryptonite. I can give more of myself to others than I can stand. The reasoning being because I know the feeling of being let down. I KNOW THE FEELING OF DEPRESSION. I am but a tiny spec upon a crowd, and yet I still carry on helping others. Yes it is a beautiful existence, but sometimes the burdens I am going through has me so consumed that adding anything other than my own, takes me to a place I never want to be.
Questions are asked, faith is given, but I remind you that even Jesus asked God “My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm22:1) Such a human thing for him to say. So I remind you, as I remind myself, there will always be others who are malevolent (having or showing a wish to do evil to others.) There will always be questions that will go unanswered. There are always others who want to see your failure, with their hands stained and mouths soaked in your turmoil… But there is also a purity to your circumstances. God knows we suffer, he knows we struggle, but he also knows that we are stronger than our situations. We can and will overcome obstacles, and find something to look back on to be thankful for within the storms.
I find my anger to be impossibly all consuming at times, but I remain true to who I am and what I stand for. I refuse to allow myself even a brief moment of humanity to where anyone can say I am just as evil as those who seek it towards me. I am trying, I am fighting, and in the end I will look back and see I was the VICTOR!